How do you blend parenting styles that are different?

Actually, this is a typical challenge in any family, not just stepfamilies – and for a variety of good reasons. Here are several principles I think are especially important in this life-long growing process.

Accept and Embrace Your Differences.

Men and women are different by God’s design. Are you ready for this?  Dads think like…men; Moms think like…women!  Isn’t it funny how easily surprised we are by this little “discovery” in family life?  Despite cultural pressure to persuade us otherwise, God actually made us different on purpose, and the sooner we embrace this fact of life, the better off our families will be.

For example, rather than getting frustrated with each other because one parent is more permissive, while the other is more restrictive, come together (regularly) to discuss ways you might strike a balance between parenting styles. In our family, I tend to be the one who is tougher, with higher expectations, while my wife is the gentler and the more gracious of this “Dynamic Duo.”  The truth is sometimes our kids need toughness, and other times, they need grace, so we are learning to appreciate our differences and allow each other the freedom to be who God made us to be.

Part of how we embrace our differences is by becoming intentional about what we call “face time” with each other. That’s when she’s on one end of the couch, and I’m on the other. On average, it’s about once a week, and this is when we share, listen, plan and pray concerning the needs of our children. If we didn’t do this, our natural differences would confuse our kids and drive us apart. By facing each other on a regular basis, we avoid sending mixed messages to our kids.

Be Unified

One of the most common challenges stepfamilies face is divided loyalties.  Obviously, it is going to be natural for each person in this new family to give their primary allegiance to those with whom they share a biological connection.  Aside from biology, the simple reason for this is that the parent/child relationship preceded the marriage. It is critical, however, for the husband and wife to remain unified in their parenting plan, without neglecting their child in the process. Although it’s natural for parents to feel protective of their own children, they won’t be doing their kids any favors if they begin to undermine their new spouse. If this marriage is going to last, it must be top priority, and this must be reassuringly communicated and demonstrated to all the children in this family.

Be Realistic

The truth is, most people are unprepared for the transition of blending two families, and thus, unrealistic in their expectations. It’s helpful to keep in mind that stepfamilies are born out of loss. This means, that there very well may be, especially for the children, a prolonged season of sadness, grief, and even anger. The reason for this is because when parents remarry, it is yet another loss for the child – at least in their understanding of things. That parent, who is now experiencing the joy of a newfound love, is often blinded by how threatened this can make their child feel. After all, that child is now losing, at least to some degree, the attention of their only remaining parent.

It is common, but often puzzling, for these seasons of emotional distress to come and go. Often a child will seem to be okay, even excited about the new relationship…until the marriage actually takes place. All of sudden (it seems) they become antagonistic toward their new stepmom or dad, causing confusion for everyone. This is natural, because, until that point, secretly, the child is holding out hope that their mom and dad just might get back together. It’s unrealistic for parents trying to blend two families to expect their children not to go through some significant emotional struggles.

The point is, sometimes the challenges that you face may not have as much to do with your different parenting styles, as is does unrealistic expectations. Anytime we drift away from God’s original design, we should expect a natural and necessary process of grieving and adjustment. Be patient. Some experts say that this process, depending on a variety of different factors, may take five to seven years. Each person, along with their unique personality, perspective, and past are, in a sense, tossed together into this new mixture called a stepfamily. Without some patience and flexibility on everyone’s part, there will be a very real temptation to lose hope and give up.

Note:  None of this means that your stepfamily is destined to fail, or that you and your children cannot heal, grow, and move forward in life experiencing God’s blessing. It just means that you need to be realistic about how long it will take to form healthy new relationships of trust.

Be Open

Because of past hurts and failures, both parents and children in a stepfamily will have a tendency to be guarded, even fearful, especially in the beginning of this new family arrangement. As a result, honest, open, and loving communication will be another one of the great challenges in family life. Parents must take the lead in this area as well, demonstrating gentleness, courage, and humility toward the other family members. Be patient in the process, but vigilant as well. Good communication is paramount if stepfamilies are to succeed. Remember, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear,” (1 John 4:18).

Finally, I do recommend an excellent resource entitled, The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. You should also check out their website: www.successfulstepfamilies.com